“I don’t need that kind of negativity. I’m only surrounding myself with people that build me up.”
“This year, it’s all about ME! I’m cutting out all the people who can’t match my energy.”
“I’m going to start putting myself first. Do me wrong, and it’s over between us.”
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You know it’s getting bad when the above sorts of messages are what’s promoted in society. I wish those phrases were not actual phrases I’ve seen and heard tossed around in my social circles, but unfortunately, they are. And even more unfortunately, as much as I want to be able to claim otherwise, sometimes similar sentiments creep into my attitude when I’m not conscious of them.
American society is obsessed with self-preservation. “Self-care”1 has taken priority over “healthy living” (I believe the two stand in stark contrast with one another). Friends swap stories of times they’ve put someone in their place, ended a friendship with a needy person, or landed on top in an argument—I’ve been one of those people. And the listener usually applauds the speaker, saying things like, “YOU SHOWED THEM!” or “You said what we’ve all been wanting to say!”—I’ve been one of those people, too.
But sometimes—even usually, I would argue—the “negative influences” in our lives are people who are hurting, people who require extra grace or patience due to an extenuating difficulty or an illness, or even simply people who deal with the problem of never having been given the proper tools to cope with life.
The truth is, some of my deepest and most personal relationships, including both family members and friends, have been “unhealthy” at times. In my teenage years, I was unknowingly manipulative. To give you one example (of many), I was guilty of often trying to make people “need” me so that I would feel irreplaceable to them. It worked…until it didn’t. I lost several friends through my push-and-pull approach to relationships. Through God’s faithfulness, professional counseling, mentorship, and persistent friends who simply would NOT give up on me, I pulled through.
You’d think those years of my own manipulation would have prepared me to see when others were trying to manipulate me, but nope, I had no such wisdom. There are a few friendships in particular I can think of where friends treated me in downright unhealthy ways—blaming me for something when we both clearly shared responsibility, guilt tripping me for not being available to them 24/7, blocking me on all forms of messaging and then claiming I was “playing games” when I couldn’t reach them—gosh, your late teens and early twenties are wild times.2
Looking back on it all, when it comes to relationships where I was advised to put someone in their place and then walk away but I chose not to, I wouldn’t do it any differently. Instead, once again, with the help of the aforementioned resources, I began to learn what healthy boundaries look like. And contrary to what society tells you, they usually don’t look like cutting someone out of your life entirely. They look like walking alongside someone through honest conversations and healing.
See, a lot of modern promoters of “self-care” or “boundaries” would probably detest the example Jesus sets for us. Jesus’ plans get interrupted—a LOT. He goes out of His way when He’s weary to minister to people who He owes nothing to, who give nothing back to Him except (sometimes) tentative faith. His disciples try His patience, but He doesn’t abandon them. His motives get misunderstood because people won’t listen. He humbled Himself and served people whom He had every right to leave or ignore—according to what our society would say.
Sometimes God will tell us to love someone when it’s the last thing we feel like doing. But here’s what society won’t tell you: sometimes what is “good” does not make you feel good. Sometimes, it makes you downright uncomfortable. It requires you to forgive when you’ve been hurt so many times. It involves reaching out to others in pain when “your own cup is empty”—because God fills empty cups.
Instead of, “I’m removing anyone from my life who doesn’t give off positive vibes,” we can set boundaries that focus on offering hope and healing to the other party involved. I know from experience that sometimes, setting a healthy boundary means telling the other person, “Being my friend means respecting me and not manipulating me. I’ll need to take a break from interacting with you if you make the active choice to disrespect me through your words and manipulation. I’m always here for you, but I’m not here for your manipulation. It isn’t healthy for either of us. You can let me know when you’re ready to interact in a healthy way again.”
And love adds at the end, “This unhealthy dynamic has to stop, and also I don’t expect perfection. I’m willing to work on this with you.”
In other circumstances: do you know how many times God has given me the opportunity to minister to a sick friend on my day off when I could have slept in, call a lonely friend when I’m about to open my favorite book, establish and enforce healthy boundaries instead of giving up on someone I’m called to love, or drive a friend somewhere when it’s the last thing I’ve felt like doing? Sadly, I haven’t always said “yes” when God wants me to. But slowly, slowly, I am learning that sometimes, when the world screams, “SELF-CARE!”, God gently whispers, “self-sacrifice.”
I’ve often found that the work God calls us to do is the work we least feel like doing, or that the people God wants us to demonstrate love to are the people going through a trial that feels weighty to us. But, once again, I’ll speak from personal experience—they’re exactly who God calls us to, and His purposes are beautiful and good. We’ll only see that if we choose to obey.
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IMPORTANT NOTE: This is not meant to be comprehensive. Sometimes we can continue enabling people while claiming we’re just being gracious, which is a different issue entirely, and as for abusive situations, those require far more nuance and understanding than what I’m writing here.
Also, by no means am I condemning the idea of rest. “Sabbath days” where you completely unplug from outside influences and spend the day resting in God’s Presence are necessary cup-fillers, I’ve learned. Sabbath rest is necessary. It’s how we regain who God made us to be.
What I’m saying is simply, I’ve tried people’s patience before. I’ve been the girl whose friends chose to stay even though I didn’t treat them right. But, instead of cutting me out—they gave me more love. Instead of giving up on me—they gave me more grace. Instead of ghosting me—they gave me more understanding.
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Thank you for sticking around and reading this post! I’ve been MIA for a few weeks, due to trips and MY HUSBAND’S GRADUATION! I’m back on track now, though, so I’ll try to write every week again!
Ask me about my personal vendetta against “self-care” sometime.
And those are just the social media-friendly circumstances. I don’t want to include the more seriously manipulative situations because some of them have involved friends who I’ve worked hard with to establish the meaningful friendships we now have today, and I don’t want to dredge past grievances back up right now.
That whisper for 'self-sacriffice' is for sure a tough one to take. I got one this February and it took me 2 more months to come to terms with it.
Thanks for the share🙏
And then there’s Jesus with Peter. So patient dealing with his loud mouth. And then the admonishment hits—“Get behind me, Satan!” But Jesus pushed him away at that point because Peter was getting in the way of Jesus literally DYING in his place. So the harshness wasn’t due to self-preservation. Much the opposite.
(Loved this essay; glad you’re back :)